Here I sit, on the verge of turning 25 and wondering what I'm doing with my life. This isn't the best feeling I've had but in the same instant I'm glad that after 24 years I can actually admit I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I've spent the better part of my life trying to be the good girl and follow the rules and where has it gotten me? I have the job, the house, dog, and husband... do I want any of it... No. It's the life I always wanted, this is what I worked my butt off in high school, college and from then on. It wasn't until I sat a few months ago staring at the naked truth: I have spent the past 24 years trying to please everyone else and went for the things I thought I was supposed to want. I love my dog, I have a good job and house, and the man sitting in the next room is my best friend. The silence is deafening. I can hear myself scream on the inside and it's to the point where I have had to face myself, all of myself, in the mirror and am asking "Well what are you going to do about it?"
It's like I'm watching my life in some sappy movie about the average girl who just can't make it work and suddenly the lightbulb goes off but in this girl's life things haven't fallen into place. There is no heroic hottie to whisk me away from this mundane life I am living and I know better than to depend on anyone else for my own happiness at this point in my life. My parents don't know what to do with me, my friends think I've lost it, and my husband is clueless but what's new. He's been in denial for far longer than I could even imagine so am I expecting my life with him to be any different. If it weren't for the debt I owe I would pack it all up and fly away to some exotic place where there isn't a face I know. I have always been that person, I love to have people around but sometimes I'd rather be totally alone somewhere that the expectations aren't there.
One day, maybe I'll get the courage to have an answer to what I'm going to do about it. For now it's just me sitting in silence trying to figure out the puzzle.
