Here I sit, on the verge of turning 25 and wondering what I'm doing with my life. This isn't the best feeling I've had but in the same instant I'm glad that after 24 years I can actually admit I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I've spent the better part of my life trying to be the good girl and follow the rules and where has it gotten me? I have the job, the house, dog, and husband... do I want any of it... No. It's the life I always wanted, this is what I worked my butt off in high school, college and from then on. It wasn't until I sat a few months ago staring at the naked truth: I have spent the past 24 years trying to please everyone else and went for the things I thought I was supposed to want. I love my dog, I have a good job and house, and the man sitting in the next room is my best friend. The silence is deafening. I can hear myself scream on the inside and it's to the point where I have had to face myself, all of myself, in the mirror and am asking "Well what are you going to do about it?"
It's like I'm watching my life in some sappy movie about the average girl who just can't make it work and suddenly the lightbulb goes off but in this girl's life things haven't fallen into place. There is no heroic hottie to whisk me away from this mundane life I am living and I know better than to depend on anyone else for my own happiness at this point in my life. My parents don't know what to do with me, my friends think I've lost it, and my husband is clueless but what's new. He's been in denial for far longer than I could even imagine so am I expecting my life with him to be any different. If it weren't for the debt I owe I would pack it all up and fly away to some exotic place where there isn't a face I know. I have always been that person, I love to have people around but sometimes I'd rather be totally alone somewhere that the expectations aren't there.
One day, maybe I'll get the courage to have an answer to what I'm going to do about it. For now it's just me sitting in silence trying to figure out the puzzle.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Getting in shape isn't for the faint-hearted
Figured I'd give this a round two, things have been a little hectic around here but what's new. I'm learning the hard way that getting older means losing weight is harder and gaining it back is a total pain in the you know what. A year ago I lost 25+ pounds right before my wedding. Part of this was nerves, trying to work out, and mainly because I was very sick. The week before I got married I found out I had the genes for Celiac Disease and have a mild gluten allergy. While being sick was horrible, losing all of the weight helped me look great on my wedding day and got me down to a weight I wanted to and generally should be.
Now I was not a stick and never have been but I felt healthy. I am very short but haven't been blessed with a petite figure and grew up eating horribly. It was never a problem until I became an adult. Here I sit a year later and with all of my weight back and it is NOT welcome here. I don't know if stress along with my husband's crappy work schedule that have helped me eat my way back to a place where I feel like crap about my health and about myself. I've been having health issues and after several tests run, an MRI, and thinking I was pregnant my doctor has concluded that I just "need to lose some weight". Great, thanks for pointing it out but at the same time isn't there a better way to tell a woman that? It's not like I hearing it from a jackass doctor who weighs 100 lbs soaking wet and despises me for the fact I actually have the gall to be employed by a pharmaceutical company. Needless to say, I don't disagree with her about losing weight but feel like a second opinion will be helpful in deciding if that's truly why I am having other issues.
Back to the original reason for this... getting in shape. I have spent two weeks walking my dog everyday and eating much better. Monday I decided to sign up for a women's gym in town and I have been everyday this week and very excited. The treadmill and I are best friends (not so much with the elliptical) and I tried out a Zumba class which was hilarious but fun as well. Thankfully the gym is all women so being around the young and "fit" demographic weighs in even with the 60-somethings who are in their sweat pants and white sneakers. I like to think of myself as something in between which I am okay with. I was an athlete growing up but shew at 24 trying to get back in shape is tough. I am walking a half mile in more time than I ran it 5 years ago. I feel like parts of my body are bigger than what they should be and my weight is doing absolutely NOTHING. I am making an honest effort to eat better but food is my passion; If I could spend the rest of my life doing any one thing it would be cooking. I get the idea for something or see something and have to make it. Yes this is usual of sweets, I made a chocolate Cocoa Cola cake on Sunday that was to die for. I'm trying to find a way to balance my love for food with my fitness schedule. I'm hoping that somehow I can make this work. I know I am not alone, it's just pretty crappy to feel like your on the brink of 25 and feel like it can't get any worse.
Let me know if your interested in the cake, it's completely from scratch. Here's a pic of me in my wedding dress AKA MY GOAL: TO LOOK THIS GOOD AGAIN!
Now I was not a stick and never have been but I felt healthy. I am very short but haven't been blessed with a petite figure and grew up eating horribly. It was never a problem until I became an adult. Here I sit a year later and with all of my weight back and it is NOT welcome here. I don't know if stress along with my husband's crappy work schedule that have helped me eat my way back to a place where I feel like crap about my health and about myself. I've been having health issues and after several tests run, an MRI, and thinking I was pregnant my doctor has concluded that I just "need to lose some weight". Great, thanks for pointing it out but at the same time isn't there a better way to tell a woman that? It's not like I hearing it from a jackass doctor who weighs 100 lbs soaking wet and despises me for the fact I actually have the gall to be employed by a pharmaceutical company. Needless to say, I don't disagree with her about losing weight but feel like a second opinion will be helpful in deciding if that's truly why I am having other issues.
Back to the original reason for this... getting in shape. I have spent two weeks walking my dog everyday and eating much better. Monday I decided to sign up for a women's gym in town and I have been everyday this week and very excited. The treadmill and I are best friends (not so much with the elliptical) and I tried out a Zumba class which was hilarious but fun as well. Thankfully the gym is all women so being around the young and "fit" demographic weighs in even with the 60-somethings who are in their sweat pants and white sneakers. I like to think of myself as something in between which I am okay with. I was an athlete growing up but shew at 24 trying to get back in shape is tough. I am walking a half mile in more time than I ran it 5 years ago. I feel like parts of my body are bigger than what they should be and my weight is doing absolutely NOTHING. I am making an honest effort to eat better but food is my passion; If I could spend the rest of my life doing any one thing it would be cooking. I get the idea for something or see something and have to make it. Yes this is usual of sweets, I made a chocolate Cocoa Cola cake on Sunday that was to die for. I'm trying to find a way to balance my love for food with my fitness schedule. I'm hoping that somehow I can make this work. I know I am not alone, it's just pretty crappy to feel like your on the brink of 25 and feel like it can't get any worse.
Let me know if your interested in the cake, it's completely from scratch. Here's a pic of me in my wedding dress AKA MY GOAL: TO LOOK THIS GOOD AGAIN!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
New to the club
So hi I'm new here. I've wanted to get back into writing and finally got the courage. If your reading be patient with me as I figure out what I'm doing and if your not, I'll still write anyway.
My husband works weird hours so it's usually me and my dog around the house. We just had our first anniversary on Sunday. It was a good day but I won't pretend to lie and say being married is hard... Sometimes so so hard. I love the man and he is so good to me but putting up with someone else EVERY day and them having to see me at my absolute worst has definitely been interesting. I've learned a lot about myself and about the man I've married in the past year. After five years he has finally mastered the art of gift giving. The necklace he bought is definitely a far cry from the socks and lotion he bought me for our first Christmas together. What is it with guys who can't shop? Like I said, he has mastered this art but thinking back he has made some interesting choices.
Anyway I won't pick on him anymore tonight. It's been a long day for me and tomorrow will be just as long: the day with the boss. I just got a new boss with my job in March and I have really enjoyed working with her thus far. My co-workers and I have started this new game: You know your in a redneck town when... Now being from a rural community we are only poking fun at the hilarious things we see driving everyday. I am the all time master beginning with a gas station that has a tackle shop attached and a sign that says "We buy gold" It's pretty much a one stop shop ;)
Another reason for starting this is to be able to keep track of my cooking. I am not a professional chef in the making by any means but I absolutely love cooking and baking. Tonight's menu: Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings... DELISH!
If anybody wants the recipe it is:
2 cans condensed cream of chicken soup
4 chicken breasts (raw)
1 onion
carrots and celery I always add in
salt and pepper
water if needed to cover meat mix
1-2 cans of biscuit dough
You throw everything except the biscuits in a crockpot for 5-6 hours waiting for the last 30 mins to cut up the dough in pieces and put in to cook. This is super easy and is great, I have a friend whose tried turkey too.
That's all for today, until next time.
My husband works weird hours so it's usually me and my dog around the house. We just had our first anniversary on Sunday. It was a good day but I won't pretend to lie and say being married is hard... Sometimes so so hard. I love the man and he is so good to me but putting up with someone else EVERY day and them having to see me at my absolute worst has definitely been interesting. I've learned a lot about myself and about the man I've married in the past year. After five years he has finally mastered the art of gift giving. The necklace he bought is definitely a far cry from the socks and lotion he bought me for our first Christmas together. What is it with guys who can't shop? Like I said, he has mastered this art but thinking back he has made some interesting choices.
Anyway I won't pick on him anymore tonight. It's been a long day for me and tomorrow will be just as long: the day with the boss. I just got a new boss with my job in March and I have really enjoyed working with her thus far. My co-workers and I have started this new game: You know your in a redneck town when... Now being from a rural community we are only poking fun at the hilarious things we see driving everyday. I am the all time master beginning with a gas station that has a tackle shop attached and a sign that says "We buy gold" It's pretty much a one stop shop ;)
Another reason for starting this is to be able to keep track of my cooking. I am not a professional chef in the making by any means but I absolutely love cooking and baking. Tonight's menu: Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings... DELISH!
If anybody wants the recipe it is:
2 cans condensed cream of chicken soup
4 chicken breasts (raw)
1 onion
carrots and celery I always add in
salt and pepper
water if needed to cover meat mix
1-2 cans of biscuit dough
You throw everything except the biscuits in a crockpot for 5-6 hours waiting for the last 30 mins to cut up the dough in pieces and put in to cook. This is super easy and is great, I have a friend whose tried turkey too.
That's all for today, until next time.
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